That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
