don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
