sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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