In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
