All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
