Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
