Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
