I think I just saw someone hide a body.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
