I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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