Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
