Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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