i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
