fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
