Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
