im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
