Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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