At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
