this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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