Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
