U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
