Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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