I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
