God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
