She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Reggie can tackle my bush.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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