I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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