Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
did i walk over a car last night?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
