If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
