She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
