Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
