Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
