I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
