Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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