just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
