I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
