my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
