So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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