It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
