if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
