I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
