Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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