There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
