I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
