I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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