just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
