idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
