My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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