so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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