You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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