our cab driver is having phone sex.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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