Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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